[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
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My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom