When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
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These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window