My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
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Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.