Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
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I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
looks legit
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery