I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
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If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid