Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
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my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
This is a whole mood;
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.