The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
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in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Why font matters.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead