My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
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one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Dead sexy!!
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
so i’m at the stock market right
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”