Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
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Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.