Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
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ugh not again
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over