Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
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If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.