100% of divorces begin with marriage.
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“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
No, I don’t think I will.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”