Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
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Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Spider-cat: No One Home
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.