My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
You Might Also Like
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I don’t know what to do
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes