Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
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911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I am also baked goods
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.