Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
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DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.