a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
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Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER