when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
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mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
channeling her this year
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!