[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
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Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.