“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
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Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
And now we wait
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Europe. Made in Germany.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
? 💀
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*