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Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
a god among men
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*