Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
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Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!