Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
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Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Yup.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Barbie gone wild
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again