I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
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No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number