Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
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Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.