Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
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Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Warm pools make me nervous.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
We found love in a hopeless place.