Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
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Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
early stone age tool
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.