“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
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Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
This woman is my idol. Free her.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car