me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
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COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
My circle of trust is a meatball
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
no such thing as a dumb question
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.