I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
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The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
man i love columbo
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.