The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
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I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did