me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
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Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
What if the weather talks about us?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now