wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
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for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we