SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
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Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Oh hi lol
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.