Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
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i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Lassie, get help!
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.