In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
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this is one of the funniest videos of all time
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
A leaf blower, but for people.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.