It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
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This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Brother?
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.