Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
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I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
we all know this pain all too well
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…