Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
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Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
“A little help here, Danny?”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.