am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
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Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.