bout dat hot dog summer
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Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient