My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
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I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE