Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
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Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Fries, not lies.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect