A new level of troll.
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son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
#Caturday
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE