*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
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I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I’ve been drinking.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after