A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
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Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
How it started How it’s going
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy