Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
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ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
This chloroform smells expensiv…