Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
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The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
5 ways to appear taller
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”