It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
You Might Also Like
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me