I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
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*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.